A Rainy Day
Mood:  a-ok
Topic: me, myself and us
Life has been good lately. Life has not ended since we had Jennifer, on the contrary! We see more people in the evenings and on weekends.

Today's Monday and it's raining. I don't have to care if it's Monday - me and Jennifer have nowhere to go. And I mean that in a good way, I enjoy it! Because I could think of a couple of places to go with her if I wanted to, I just can't be botherer because it's raining. There is plenty to do in the house, too. I've been looking into our insurances today, for instance. And there's always room for improvement in the tidying department...

Ghosts in the mirror (a nightmare)
Mood:  special
Topic: dream
Wow, a dream! It's been a while.

I had this dream in the morning between 5 and 7. Papoose was sleeping beside me so I was not very relaxed and my sleep couldn't have been that deep. I'm always unconsciously afraid of crushing her in my sleep... but she doesn't want to sleep in her cradle after 5 AM - and I don't usually want to get up yet. So it's our compromise. :)

OK, about that dream. It was very vivid. I was looking at a mirror in a dim bathroom. Somehow I knew what I wanted to do: I wanted to see a ghost so I had to pay attention to both of my arms (in the mirrot) at the same time. I remember that my eyes looked very dark in the mirror.

After a while of concentrating, something started to happen. My hands started shaking and they felt numb. In the mirror I saw my body and my face twist unhealthily and my figure seemed to squirm and float and flutter. At first I gave permission for that to happen, but soon I just wanted it to stop. I said "enough!" in my mind, but couldn't stop it until I got my eyes closed and concentrated on not seeing the mirror any more.

When I woke up from this dream, I was afraid of having to experience it the next time I see a mirror. I couldn't even close my eyes again, fearing to see myself float and my face twist again. Also, I feared that I would lose control of my arms in real life and for instance drop my baby in the middle of carrying her.

Now the fear has faded, as it always does some time after nightmares. But it was bad just after I woke up.

Mothering a papoose
Mood:  a-ok
Topic: me, myself and us
Our little girl is now 1,5 weeks young. She appears older and wiser, though. For instance she seems to already know the difference between night and day.

She eats a lot and sleeps even more. Sometimes she cries because she has tummy ache, but otherwise she just likes to look at you, kick and wave and coo.

We call her Papuusi (papoose).

Hiljaa hyva tulee
Topic: suomeksi
Loppuraskauden fiiliksia...

Heti kun pitais tehda jotain mika ei oikeasti huvita niin alkaa paastaa kirosanoja jopa normaalia enemman ja HETI. Tai jos asiat ei syysta tai toisesta vaan luista:

Lunta kengassa - SSSAATTTANA!
Avain ei osu heti kateen kun kaivan taskua - VOI VITUNVITUNPERRRKELEENJUMALLLAUTA!

Normaalisti mun VPS (vittuperkelesaatana) tulee silleen nonchalantisti ja rutiinilla, mutta raskauden myota naihin manaamisiin on jostakin alkanut pulputa ihan aitoa tunnetta ja savya. Varsinkin yksin ollessani "saatana" suorastaan raapii kurkkua tullessaan niin matalalta. En jaa sita kaipaamaan mikali normaali VPS palaa kuvioihin jossain vaiheessa synnytyksen jalkeen.

Yllattavaa kylla ikavat tunteenpurkaukseni eskaloituvat lahinna tilanteisiin, joissa ei oikeasti tapahdu vahinkoa, vaan koen lievaa epamukavuutta. Sitten kun oikeasti tapahtuu jotakin tylsaa, kuten putoava jakoavain rikkoo pesualtaan (tai putoavat pihdit kaakelin) tai siististi jarjestetty ruuvilokerikko putoaa lattialle aiheuttaen ison jarjestamisen vaivan... otan asiat yllattavan rauhallisesti ja koitan nahda asian positiiviset puolet! Siis totta kai harmittaa, mutta olen tunteen herra, toisin kuin akkinaisissa pikkuharmituksissa.

On maternity leave (at last!)
Mood:  not sure
Now Playing: Cleaning Women
Topic: me, myself and us
I've been on maternity leave for a week now. My calendar has been full the whole time.

Work-related things have gone through my mind during a couple of phone calls from my substitute and on a work-related course on Wednesday. Otherwise it's been a pleasure not having to go to work. There is so much more to do!

The maternity hospital arranges lectures about childbirth, childcare, relaxing techniques, parental sexuality and so on... I've been on every single one of them. It's so nice to get away from the building site that we call home. Even if it is gets better day by day as Kalle works on it. I am useless at building, save for phone calls and shopping.

My mother has been a big help during last week, she has varnished our paneled ceilings. I was exhausted just watching her and couldn't participate. Actually I just cried my eyes out about how "this house is never going to be finished" and how "the walls are coming down on me". It must have been wonderful to work under my hopeless influence!

The crappy feeling has haunted me a lot during pregnancy. I can feel perfectly normal and then one little thing doesn't go my way and I go ballistic. Or I just start to cry and don't see the light at the tunnel's end at all.

Which reminds me, I have to go eat my vitamins. This mood swing thing might all be chemical. Also I've had the flu for several months now and it keeps me down. Sometimes only my nose is blocked-up, sometimes it's so bad I can't get out of bed, sometimes, like today, I get uncontrollable cough attacks. The cough is horrible.

I am still going to do something useful before I have the baby! At least I've collected old sheets, cushions and so on to charity. They need those kind of things at HESY (It's an association that keeps a house for abandoned pets in Helsinki).

This is my petty little life at the moment. How's yours?

Happy New Year!
Mood:  chillin'
Now Playing: radio on colleague's desk
Topic: journal
It's been hectic. Christmas was a peaceful time, we spent it at Kalle's grandparents'. After Christmas came news about the tsunami and I am grateful for not personally knowing anyone that has been affected by the terrible catastrophy.

We have been building the house and moving in at the same time. Yesterday we had a van plus some friends and my brother to help us. Kalle took the day off work. The weather was awful: rainy and windy. Just the same kind of weather we had a couple of weeks ago when Kalle's friends were helping us. We have moved for 3 separate days now and there is still loads of stuff in our old apartment... Maybe once more with a trailer and then we'll call a moving service to pick up our sofas and the bed.

There are still many things to do before we can move in officially. The kitchen is not ready and we have a lot of paneling to do on the ceilings. Yesterday evening we had our guests sit on the heaps of ceiling panels by the hearth. Cosy! :)

I was going to write about my inability lately to take interest in other matters than myself and us, but now I notice I just can't be bothered. *sigh*

A funeral in Oulu
Topic: journal
My grandmother died a week ago on Saturday morning. Yesterday was her funeral. I didn't cry until it was time to leave from her apartment for the last time. I sat on her rocking chair and thought how many times she had sat there and looked at these walls and out of the window...

I don't have a base in Oulu anymore. A couple of relatives live there, but they are not a base. My grandmother has lived in the same apartment on Salmelantie for 32 years. It is a nice apartment, too, and I shall miss it when it is sold. It is a spaceous 2 rooms and kitchen with views overlooking the river Oulu on the other side and the municipal prison and the center of Oulu on the balcony side.

There was no sorrow in my grandmother's passing away. I went to see her at the chappel before the ceremony began and she didn't look pretty. She still looked like she was in pain even when she was dead. Not at all like my demented aunt when I saw her before her funeral - she looked young and calm, all the muscles had relaxed on her face.

I had no problems singing at the chappel - I felt like I was on duty and I just did my best. I hope she could hear me and I really hope she is in heaven now, with my grandfather. My mother had found a really nice Finnish poem for the memorial. Eeva Kilpi has written it for her own mother and it was very fitting. The memorial was after the ceremony and after a hearty meal that was a specific request from my grandmother.

After the memorial all of my grandmother's children and their families went to spend the evening at my grandmother's apartment, until most of us had to leave for the night train to Helsinki.

Oh yeah, and it's my and my husband's birthday today. Our relatives sang "Happy birthday" on the train this morning just before we got out. So you could say the funeral trip ended on a happy note... :)

Paying friendship forward
Mood:  special
Now Playing: Street Time
Topic: deepthought
I hope the reader is familiar with the idea of Paying It Forward. Everybody should consider the idea of helping a perfect stranger without wanting anything in return, except the promise (s)he will in turn help three perfect strangers, given the opportunity.

Today, I'm thinking of my friends. Sometimes it feels I get more from someone than what I would be even able to give back. Sometimes something I've done for a friend gets much more appreciation than I never would have expected.

But friendship is more than a mutual exchange of favours, isn't it? If I heard someone did something just so they could expect a favour in return, I would consider it a business relationship.

You don't expect favours from friends. But you give favours whenever it feels the right thing to do and only when you feel you can do it without bitterness. That way you can't get into debt. And you should not make a friend owe you, either. If someone feels that way, you could just ask them to pay friendship forward three times and that's it.

:)
Now Playing: TV Nation
Topic: me, myself and us
I can feel some movement going on in my lower stomack. I've felt the same already a couple of nights before going to sleep, but I'm certain this is it now.

Unfair
Mood:  blue
Now Playing: MTV Europe Music Awards
Topic: journal
It's quite unfair that sick, old people can't get away even if they have no desire to live. What kind of a life if suffering from day to day, feeling that you are a nuisance and being the greatest source of stress to your own children that live hundredrs of kilometres away and still want to come visit you as often as they can?

I phoned to my mother yesterday and heard that my hospitalized, almost deaf and almost blind grandmother has began losing her mind as well. All she does apparently is mumble the Lord's Prayer over and over again with a very tired voice.

Since my grandmother has had cancer (on and off for many years now) I can't remember a discussion with her that hasn't contained the words "Kun paasisi jo taalta pois" = "I wish to get away from here already/I wish to be dead".